I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
