I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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