so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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