Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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