went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
