chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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