i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
