wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
