at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
