wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
