i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
