Whatcha textin bout Willis?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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