i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
