1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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