i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
