Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
