definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
