I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
