When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
