I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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