You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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