Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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