Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
