He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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