I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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