Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
