There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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