I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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