I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
