Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
