I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
