I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
