You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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