You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel like a drive thru vagina
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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