Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
