She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
