The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
