Your face is a jimmy john
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
