I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We talked him into tasing himself.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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