Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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