mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
