the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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