I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
love makes seman taste better
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
