Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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