Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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