I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
