Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
