I am spending my child support on dildos
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
