I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
