Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
