Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
